marialuisa Age: 45
friendship addiction and behavior patterns
Dear Dr. Knight
I am a 45 year old woman, unmarried and professional achievement, which lived for most of his life in situazione di dipendenza affettiva e che solo negli ultimi 10 anni ne ha preso consapevolezza. Questo non è bastato a far cessare lo stato di dipendenza, ma indubbiamente qualche progresso vi è stato. La dipendenza affettiva si è sempre rivolta a figure femminili, prima mia madre e poi le mie amiche. Al momento i due uomini che ho avuto come partner, per brevi periodi, non hanno svolto ruoli significativi. Il che ovviamente non è privo di significato, anche se non so bene quale esso sia.
Quello che vorrei sottoporre alla sua attenzione è il modello di comportamento
che accompagna every story of addiction. Usually it starts with a
new friendship, which seems to fill an emotional void that has constantly accompanied my life. In most cases these are people who have difficulty or even marginalized. After an exciting first
period of knowledge, which often (not always) leads to an identification with the other and his life, starting with the difficulties. As you can imagine the loss identity brings with it the adaptation and endurance attitudes and lifestyles that often are not part of my set of values. Below disappointment, frustration and contempt. The lack of expression of my needs leads to end the conflict and the attempt to get back what I gave drives a person to withdraw more and more. The final stage is marked by a growing conflict and suffering and an enormous sense of emptiness, to break. In 20 years this has happened at least 5 times a negative good part of my friendship relations. When friendships are healthy, and luckily in some cases is so, there is no claim, overlap, loss of identity. One of these, for example, takes 30 years.
For many years I have lived these stories as unfortunate events, but at some point the suffering experienced because of a friend took me to a situation of great emotional difficulties and depression, which forced me to recognize that something was wrong. Do not sleep, I was obsessed with his thought I had symptoms of depression and difficulty in performing any activity.
I started reading books on addiction and attend to your website.
know all or most of the theory, but practice is the hard part.
course, as I said, I improved a lot. For example, I note that in many contributions focuses on the subject which depends on its narcissism and other characteristics. But I know, and we all employees we know that first of all we look at our problems and concentrate on care of ourselves. In this sense, the lesson Norwood is one of the most useful to keep in mind. After the last conflict, which occurred a couple of months ago, with my longtime friend (the one that forced me to so much suffering would force me to thoroughly analyze itself) I have had for some time, the temptation to put all my my anger and resentment toward her. But I know that I have patiently return to the path of recovery and therapy. Today the feeling of emptiness is not remotely comparable to 8-9 years ago and is increasingly limited. If ever lasts longer than anger.
In this regard I must say that I have been very useful to read the book "the wound of the unloved," which she certainly knows where he tries to light on patterns of behavior and energy positive and negative that they explicit. According to the author pressures external (including family members) in we generate positive and negative flows of energy, which follow a certain pattern precisely. Despite my efforts I can not connect to my model family dynamics and the pressures exerted by them on me. I know my family is disturbed in the sense that in it I starved of love and recognition and was not a family willing to talk about feelings.
My mother is an employee and I think I have the idea of \u200b\u200ba men not positive, and in its role as the victim was unable to give me the love I needed . My father is authoritarian and a man who can hardly express affection. I know you love me and I can not feel any resentment towards of them, although in the past have given their many faults.
In this context, my addiction will have a sense that if she understood I could end up in better deal. Why do I address my addiction to women? The steps that I described that have meaning? I wondered whether a homosexual behavior, but I feel no attraction to the female gender and I feel for the male rate. But it did not represent the most important emotional experience far. I wonder if there is a separation between eros (to men) and agape (toward women).
If my speech was published I would say to all women who suffer from addiction that can alleviate the pain of love and to limit the suffering. In these 10 years in spite of myself I had to make enormous efforts to understand and analyze myself, to try to understand and try to love. But this occurred only and exclusively when I left the role of victim, and I shifted the focus of the other (or another for most of the women ) to myself.
Thank you for your attention and for this site
marialuisa
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