sad 53 Age: 57
I knew what was to become my husband 32 years ago. A fatal attraction, one that will mark the life and suggest that you or him or anything. Deleted and thwarted the past, for him I left the boy with whom I was, without regret. The story is continued for two to three years in a see-saw, him, a few years older than me and problems with panic attacks, was wavering, she would not engage in story, I sought and denied me, said I was a spoiled child, some once accused me of having affairs with others, in my presence was courting other, a couple of times is went with his wife the previous year, among other things a my friend, who also accused of having betrayed thoroughly (which is partly true ).
But it, for me, was the most important of all, at all costs, was the man of destiny , humiliation were rewarded with a sort of fusion of soul and of skin, that I had never tried it, which I had the miraculous.
until I left. I felt terrible, almost a year, sometimes we met, but he had other stories (again, with women who believed infidels).
Then I met another, even as he came out of me stories of abandonment, you are not loved, but we loved and would help us. I got pregnant and got married .
And here the man's life began to research, for the first time in his life saying you love me like nobody ever, only now she realized what she had lost , who was desperate.
And I'm the only chance I had to send him to hell, and even I have argued, happy as ever I told him that I would be there forever, and I began to betray my husband every now and everything I said and I separate then came back swearing that I would not have looked back, but there has never been nothing to do, just made me a whistle ran; the marriage ended after a few years.
I was pregnant, this time the man of destiny.
He was at first frightened, but then threw himself in the adventure. We went in together and got married as soon as I obtained a divorce. E ' born baby and was perhaps the most loving father I've ever known , and also a good companion to grow the other daughter who lived with us .
E 'went on for about twenty years, with many fights, many misunderstandings , different tastes, but a passion unchanged, at least I thought. More we went on, however, and most everything I said and did was the object of denigration , I was a bad mother, I spent too much, had prevented him from cultivate his friendships and sports (and errors, intransigence and assertiveness I've certainly done), and again throwing insinuations, between the serious and the facetious, my betrayal, assigned by my boss (especially) the neighbor had only a joke, a benevolent account up a person. But the truth were things that lasted a few hours, I swear it was not true and ended up in a few hugs. He always hated my work more rewarding than his.
In the first year I made a few attempts because the face and fought her panic attacks, but he never wanted to heal, the end was that no tacit could do if you do not travel by car (no train, no air, nothing ships) and avoiding overpass (so few highways allowed). I decided not to insist on seeing a panic attack once on the highway, he was very ill and I have convinced him to fucking.
About 10 years ago is a great tragedy happened, we scored. Life stopped for so long, but there was another daughter, almost at the threshold of adolescence requiring care and attention, even with the help of psychotherapy are continued.
He drank a little too far and is ingrassato tanto. Anch'io un pò di consolazione serale nell'alcool l'ho cercata.
Poi è andato in pensione, troppo presto, troppo giovane . Da lì ad un anno circa è cominciata la fine.
Ha cominciato ad essere più ombroso ed irritabile che mai,anche con la figlia, ha cominciato a rifrequentare con assiduità i suoi vecchi amici di quando era single (accomunati da una fondamentale misoginia), a detestare i nostri amici comuni frequentati per una vita, poi ha cominciato a sviluppare idee paranoiche sui vicini di casa e non c'era verso to convince the other hand, reacted violently to any attempt of proportion.
E 'became increasingly aggressive and unfriendly to me, it was clear that not stand my presence, and finally began to assert polished with envy that he was sure that I had always betrayed by everyone: to work with neighbors, friends (including his own, almost never seen) and who I went to shoot. What had always known but had stifled truth for the sake of peace, for her daughter.
But that's enough, now it was over, he went.
I pianto ed ho pregato , ho scongiurato e minacciato, ho giurato su tutto e su tutti che non era vero niente , che anzi al contrario era sempre stato l'unico
e solo grande amore della mia vita, che non doveva giudicarmi per il passato, che avevo tradito sì altri , ma solo per lui.
Ogni mia negazione provoca(va) solo nuovo disprezzo ( "ma almeno un atto di lealtà, un atto di lealtà, nemmeno di quello sei capace, nemmeno quello mi merito, tanto poco valgo") e scoppi di inaudita violenza , mi ha picchiato più volte ed ha distrutto mobili e stoviglie in un fragore di vetri.
Gli ho scritto lettere, che non ha letto, ho pianto ed ho urlato tutto quello che ero capace, ma sembra(va) come diventato impermeabile a qualsiasi tentativo
di coinvolgimento emotivo.
Infine se ne è andato di casa, pensavo di morirne e c'ho anche provato . Ora è quasi un anno e mezzo che è via. Ha smesso completamente di bere, fa molto sport ed è dimagrito Ci vediamo spesso, è sempre molto disponibile sulle cose
pratiche, ogni tanto andiamo a cena o al mare, d'estate. Se taccio oppure si parla della figlia, va tutto bene, si può fare anche gli amanti ( raramente e per poco), ma se si casca sull'argomento(delirio) finisce in tragedia. Il massimo che ottengo è che mi mi guarda con compassione, dicendomi che devo essere schizofrenica, tanto mi immedesimo nella mia menzogna.
Si è ricostruito una visione della nostra vita insieme dove ogni scelta , dal cane al mobilio, è stata una violenza subita (da lui) dove lui si dipinge accomodante e paziente per amor di quiete( al contrario è sempre stato molto
poco accomodante).
Ho cercato aiuto ovunque, ma la risposta è sempre la stessa can not be cured who does not want to be cured. And, consequently, turn the page, we put a lid on it . I hated the psychiatrists who have had the opportunity to capture it in some way (for example when I was hospitalized after
failed attempt and of course he came to see me) and have not said a word .
But nobody helps me, no one really understands how difficult it is to resign to be crucified by a lie. Resigned to your life, your person despised and hated for something you've never done it too, least for me, at least at this point. I know all of the delusion of jealousy, I know that groped to convince a delusional is impossible, but I continue to hope for a miracle and that my words at some point come into the head and, above all , I can not do without him. Evidently I too have a sick addiction, or are too sad to accept even this blow, after all, after all the choices and mistakes made after what I had already crashed.
I told this story, or because I needed it and because it could save perhaps someone, the clues were all there, at the very beginning. There waterfalls.
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